(Want to hear me read this piece aloud to you? Just press the play button.)
What you are about to hear is true. Names have not been changed because, well, knowing them is the whole point.
When I got my acceptance letter a couple weeks ago, I couldn’t believe it. I am officially IN. Someone pinch me! They accepted 370 of us this year. Actually down from 455 in 2022. I wonder if my name will be in lights when I arrive.
“Okay, Mac, here’s your stop,” the driver said to me. “Looks like a fancy event. What are you, some sort of celebrity? Should I be askin’ for your autograph?”
I smiled and handed him a fiver and looked at the crowd outside. Lights. Cameras. Is that a red carpet? I have no idea where to go.
“Alright, everyone, we are going to have you all line up alphabetically, because that’s how we get things done around here. You’ll get the hang of it pretty fast.”
I looked over and saw their name tag read “Lex.” Ah, yes, that’s who I was looking for. So, I went right up and introduced myself. “Hello, hi there,” I mumbled.
“Do I know you?”
“Yes, well, no. Maybe? It’s so nice to finally meet you, Lexicographer. I’m Macgyver, but my friends call me Mac.”
“Mac! Welcome! Yes, of course, I know you. You’ve made quite the name for yourself around here, I gotta say. And no pun intended, buddy.” He laughed joyously. “And, listen, call me Lex. You’re official now, so we are most definitely pals.”
“Thanks, Lex. I’m so honored to be here.”
“Congrats! Hey, if you want, all the other new inductees are over there. Go mingle, friend!”
I made my way over to a small group who were trying to look cool, but, like me, seemed far too excited to play it cool. And, just like me, this was their big night, too. I looked at their name tags: Janky, Sus, Yeet. I’ve heard all of these up-and-comers. Then there was ICYMI, who I must have been staring at because they came up to me and said, “Hey there, I’m In Case You Missed It. ICYMI, for short.”
“Ohhhh! I get it now! Gosh, I’ve got a lot to learn!”
“We all do,” chimed in Sus. “Play it chill, you are kinda sticking out like a sore thumb. Relax, we are the guests of honor.”
Just then, everyone’s heads turned as the power couple – THE power couple – walked in. The room fell silent. I couldn’t believe it. Me, simple little Macgyver was in the presence of Merriam and Webster. WOW! Talk about starstruck. They invited ME to join their party. What a life!
I started to head their way, but I noticed they went straight for the popular crowd. The ones everyone knew and wanted to be around. The true “It Crowd.” The most popular words of the year: Bussin’, Drip, Extra, Woke, Salty, Shook. I tell you, they really shined in 2022. I can see why they were so loved.
Another group was being removed from the party. It seemed almost aggressive. I read their name tags: Brabble, Frigoritic, Frutescent, Charabanc, and a little one, Younker.
“Hey, where are they going?” I asked Sus, who seemed to know everything somehow.
“Oh, they are being retired. Removed entirely.”
“Why?” I asked, confused.
“Obsolete. Have you heard of Charabanc?”
“Well, no.”
“Exactly, it’s time for them to leave the party.”
My heart got heavy. Tonight was my night, but one day would I be hauled off, too? Be irrelevant? Just then, someone came over to clearly comfort me and my non-existent poker face. “Hey, don’t worry. We aren’t all permanently retired. If you can think of a way to reinvent yourself, they’ll give you a new definition, and you can stay even longer. If anyone can create a new meaning, I think it would be you, Macgyver!”
It’s true, this set my mind at ease.
“Take it from me, I’ve been around since 1570 and am making a huge comeback. Get in good with the younkers. I mean, the kids. They’ll keep you current. I’m Cringe, by the way.”
“Nice to meet you, Cringe. Looks like the ceremony is about to start. Save a seat for me?
“Very funny, Mac. I’m a “C.” You and I are pages apart.”
As I watched Cringe find a seat up front, I beamed finding mine in between the veterans Macerate and Mach. I’ve made the big time. I don’t even know what to say. I’m so proud of myself. And despite present company, or maybe because of it, I’m simply out of words.
SO good!!
I love this Woz!!!